Why mens' circles matter

I wrote this in 2021 shortly after running my first independant men's circle for a group of men I barely knew but would come to know..

Circles

Circular economies, very much a buzz word today. How do we build something with the end of life in mind? How do we build something that can be reprocessed or repurposed for infinity or merely a very long time?

How could we apply circularity to that of men’s roles in their family and community? What if we redesigned our experience as men to be able to have our emotions be repurposed into something of value time and time again? What if we replaced the material with emotions?

I love my mens circle. I would love to see more of them in place throughout the country. How can we make this happen? How can we make the circles appear and spread like the surface of a pond as the rains fall?

Where does it all start? The thing we don’t realise as humans and men is that this life is a circle. We inherit behaviors, biases, traits and trauma from our fathers or care givers. So when the time comes, we often (not always) revert to what we know, what we saw. I’m not a qualified psychologist or counselor or practitioner of any kind. So take what I say with some skepticism please. But what I do experience this in my own journey as a father, son, husband and friends. When I am not thinking about it, I often act out in ways my father did towards me. Or in a way that fits my identity as a man. This changes from one culture or community to another.

So how do we build awareness and dare I say mindfulness for men to refer to in their relationships? How do we give men the space to create the space between thought and action? A place where men can voice their concerns, air their judgements, feel their emotions, share their experiences. At the end of the day, we as men in particular, suffer mostly in silence. And what do we do when the time comes to act? We go with what we “know”, what we were taught. We default to the behavior that feels comfortable enough to keep our identity and place in society intact and unchallenged. They say children do what you do, not what you say. So what do we expect? When tempers rise and emotions are acted upon?

We revert to default mode.

So again, how do we create the space between reaction and response? Without going through a whole course in mindfulness? How do we allow men and their struggles to be seen with little to no judgement? How do we create a space for men to cry, to celebrate and to discover love amongst peers? We meet in circles. To guide and support one another in our journeys. Circles.

How do we enable men from one side of the tracks to relate to their neighbors? How do we allow men to realise the common ground they stand upon? How what happens in the car park of a pub is no different to what happens around the corner from a shebeen?

We can’t keep telling men, “say no to violence against women and children”. We all know this behavior is wrong. Smokers know the consequences of their actions. Rapists know the consequences of theirs. Children know theirs. So how do we create a space for men to feel seen and respected amongst peers? How do we create a space for men to build the awareness that permeates into their psyche so that when the time comes, they’re able to pause or override the impulsive action about to follow? How do we empower men to stop the moment from arising at all? We bring spaces to foster self-awareness and connectedness to as many communities as possible. We bring cirlces.

Majority of men are suffering in silence. Some more than others. Too many good men have taken their lives of late in my orbit. Too many men have made rash decisions out of fear and uncertainty to try salvage a semblance of normal. To save their appearance. Men have lost so much over the past 2 years due to covid. We have lost jobs, businesses, relationships, clients, friends, family members and respect. How do they get this back? They can’t redo 20 years of work in 1 to ensure that life goes back to normal for them and their dependents. We also can’t just throw requests out on Facebook and Whatsapp groups asking for help and support. Everywhere you look there is a hand out begging for food, shelter, work, money and acknowledgement. So where do men turn to? Where do we go to rebuild our confidence, our sense of self? In turn, our businesses, careers, relationships and social circles.

What do we do as men to improve the plight of men? What do we do to be there for one another, for friends or neighbours?

How do we connect?

We build circles. We build community. We build a space for us to both mourn losses and celebrate our victories. We build roots to nourish ourselves and our communities. We build a network to speak to one another the wat a tree communicates underground through invisible means. How they warn and support one another. We build community. Like ripples in a pond, circles will appear and disappear. They will overlap and they will carry on for infinity. They will disrupt one another but they will all have the same thing in common. The energy that created them in the first place. We will build circles, which will create bigger circles.

We will build a circular economy around men, with the behavior as the product. Where the energy of the past can be transmuted into something positive and carry on. Where men can feel seen, appreciated and engaged. Where we can go to when times are hard, where we can show up to when times are good. Where judgements are ok but also owned and reflected upon. Where fears are spoken about and shared. Where eyes are seen scars are healed.

How do we stop the violence men are doing to themselves and those around them? I do not know the answer. But I do know we have to start somewhere. I do know that I have benefited hugely from being seen by other men in my circles. I do know that the longer hurt, fear, anger lie unspoken or unexpressed the more likely they are to multiply into harm on others or ourselves.

All we can is start to speak, to share and reflect. This is a small step, but it is one I am willing to take. Hopefully other men will follow.